Category Archives: Kids mess

What are Dads for?

I often wonder if my daughter misses out with not having a father around at all, she has strong male role models all around her, but recently a couple of things have come up that I see as ‘dad’ jobs, the first is gross and the second I’ve just got on with.

Farting, letting out wind, blow offs, I think every kid goes through a stage of finding this super super funny, being obsessed with bottom burps, trumps, pops. I, on the other hand do not find this amusing, in fact it made me feel sick when traveling along the motorway my sweet innocent 5 year old asked if I “could smell that?” Euurrrggghhhh! See, she’s missing someone who’ll find it hilarious when she starts whafting the air from her bum after the loudest noise that’s ever come out of her!

The second act I’ve always seen as something the Dad would do and funnily enough did see lots of dads do, the day we went to the park with her new bike with NO STABILISERS! As we got crash hats, handlebars and knee pads out of the car a little boy whizzed past on two wheels, with his pop right next to him, his mum 10 meters behind, filming the proceedings. So it’s just me and her, I’ve got to play both parents, so it’s a case of holding on, chasing beside and trying to film at least 3 seconds on my phone. Would you believe it, after 2 tries and a lot of me reminding her to keep pedalling, she only went and nailed it! My heart jumped out of my chest with joy and pride, I did that, I’ve made the most wonderful, amazing bike rider, now I’ve got to teach her to stop.

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Don’t do it, it’ll stink…

WARNING! To everyone taking kids to a beach this summer.

If you are looking for interesting stones and pebbles and come across some crabs legs that your child finds fascinating, LEAVE THEM THERE!

I can confirm that putting them in a toy bag for a week, so they’re safe for next month’s ‘show and tell’ makes your house stink!

You’re welcome.

Do I have the weirdest child in the world?

My five-year-old daughter has just wolfed down a full roast chicken dinner, minus the potatoes, she doesn’t like them not even chips, strange kid huh. Nothing really out of the ordinary there, until you hear what she asked for next.

With a clean plate in front of her she asked “Can I have some more BROCCOLI please?” Eh? I’ve never come across such a strange child, she’ll be asking for Brussels sprouts next!

Have your kids ever asked for something like this? You just didn’t expect the request to come out of their mouths, I’d love to know.

Lazy option or easy option?

Laziness gets the better of me sometimes, or maybe it’s just wanting to get off the hamster wheel for a second, I try a look for a few short cuts each day, today I reached a new low.

My 4 year old daughter came home from school with what looked like half her dinner down it. I managed to identify strawberry yogurt and some kind of pasta sauce as I put it in the washing basket. Then tragedy struck, all the other dresses were waiting to be ironed!

What I should have done was get them all done there and then, but I’m ashamed to say I took the easy option and got the frock back out and picked the bits of dried food off.

The big issues

It’s inevitable that kids cry when they’re tired, hey, it’s inevitable that I cry when I’m tired, but at least it’s at a sad film or because I’ve broken my favourite wine glass, but the my 4 year old daughter really goes for it at the slightest thing. Within an hour today we have had meltdowns for these reasons:

*Breaking biscuit in 2 when she wanted it whole, but it wouldn’t fit in the cup of milk

*Me putting her socks on when she wanted to do it herself

*Me taking her socks back off

*The bed covers being minions not the Anna and Elsa duvet covers

*Cos it’s not her birthday

Jeez, I really have to mum up!

The crap British bake off

I knew I’d fall down as a mother when my little one started school and after the first term here came the big hurdle. The parents were asked to donate something to the cake sale now I’m not known for my culinary skills, in fact I’ve been dumped because of my cooking, so doing a Mary Berry impression fills me with utter glee.

As a parent of a schoolgirl you can’t send them with nothing, especially as it’s the first time that they’ve asked us to bake anything, I got nervous went through some recipe books and settled on a box of cake mix I found the back of the cupboard. I thought it was being quite earth mother to get my girl involved with the mixing and the icing and the decorating and of course that excuses me because they really did look like they’ve been made by a four-year-old.

The moment of truth, the table of sweet treats in the playground, and yes all six cupcakes that we made was still there even though about 1000 people had already bought cakes. There’s only one thing for it we bought them all to save the embarrassment of anybody else having to eat them all then being thrown away.

Kids decorating the Christmas tree, discuss…

I should’ve known better than to let her loose with the decs, after she came down the stairs in a summer vest and a pair of leggings back to front, but no, the obvious thing to do was let her dress the Christmas tree right?

And at only about a metre tall the top half is completely bare. Am I a good mum for saying “yeah go for it, be creative!” Or a bad mum for asking how long I have to leave it in that mess before I can tidy it up? Do you think she’d notice? Have you done the same?